I haven't been on here in a while, other than a few weekly bible posts. My dear friend decided to leave FB for a while and still wanted the
Weekly Bible Verses that I'm memorizing as part of my New Year's Resolution so those have been my most recent posts. I think posting on here though has given me the urge and the desire to get back into writing my regularly-irregular posts :) So here goes - getting back in the saddle.
I am writing today because I've had a lot of people call, text, private message me so much in regards to our Baby Making Trials. I say trials because we've had a lot and I know that by posting on here and FB in the past it has peaked people's interest. Yes, I am aware that when you put something on the web (FB included) it does become public and your personal life is no longer private. I'm okay with that, I am an open book. You ask, I answer - that's how I am. So lately, a lot of folks have been asking me "How are you holding up?" There are several reasons for their inquiries. If you don't know the background story, Barrett and I have been trying to have a baby for going on 4 years now. We have been categorized "infertile" due to my endometriosis, so it has been a long and difficult road at times. Some people also ask because my sister-in-law recently had a baby girl, Samantha entered our world on Sunday, January 6th. As people began asking me "how I was doing" because my sister-in-law had had a baby and there was pity and sympathy in their voices, I began to question myself. "Have I appeared weak?" "Do I act jealous of others who have been blessed with pregnancies and child birth?" Sadly enough, in the past, that answer was YES and I suddenly became so ashamed of myself.
Recently, I went crawling back to God. Over the summer, I had realized that while I was telling others "I believe God will send us a baby" I was just lying (maybe others saw through it, I don't know). In reality I was angry, I mean VERY ANGRY, with God. I was not putting my trust in him, I was not believing in him, I was just saying that so others wouldn't see the hurt and pain I was going through. At this realization, I decided I needed to make a change. I begged God to forgive me for ever doubting Him, for being angry, for thinking He was punishing me! I began a devotional, Lysa Terkeurst's
What Happens When Women Walk in Faith. I read the devotional slowly, at my own pace, and began to notice a change in my life. I began talking with my husband about God, talking about scripture, and about prayer (not let's pray because we need something, but actual communication with God). Did you know He's pretty amazing? Wow, we serve such an amazing Lord and Savior! He works in such powerful ways; not having found "our church" we no longer spent Sundays trying to find one; we gave up. Then Barrett came home one day and said that a co-worker had invited him to her church, "She's a really cool girl, she reminds me a lot of you, I think we should try it. Wanna go this Sunday?" We attended Freedom House Church that Sunday and have been EVERY Sunday since!
This fall, I had another round of endometrial treatment to remove the existing endometriosis from my body once again. After the last treatment, the nurse called and asked me to come in in a few weeks to start the fertility treatments again. Quick note, my nurse Amy, is amazing and the day we do have a child she is getting a HUGE gift basket from me. She has been there for me in some VERY difficult times and has always comforted me. I cherish her. Anyway, when she asked when we would be starting up our next round of fertility, I informed her that "we will not be coming back at this time. I'm tired, the drive to Uptown Charlotte on a weekly (sometimes more frequent) basis is draining and I can't do it anymore. We are putting all of our faith in God. Please pray for us because I know he will provide." This time, I meant it! I truly believe that God will provide for us. Romans 8:18 states "We have sufferings now but they are nothing compared to the great glory that will be given to us." I absolutely, 100% believe this to be true. God has something big, I MEAN BIG, planned for us. I may not know what it is, I may not ever understand His plan until I meet him one day, but I know He is working in me.
A friend said "Sarah, you've gone through so much, but yet you put on a smile and you are so strong. How do you do it?" Well, first I don't put on a smile, a facade, anymore. My smile is genuine, my heart is happy. How am I so strong? My strength comes from God. He is doing so much for me. We may not be pregnant, but I am thankful for everything He has done for me so far. I believe he has something bigger planned for us. He wouldn't put this desire to have a baby in our hearts if He wasn't going to provide. We just have to wait and in the end we will be amazed at how He answers our prayers!
Romans 8:31 - "What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us?"
